well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
