that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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