I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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