I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
