we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
