i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
