never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
