We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀