Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha