I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.