Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?