oh good, I think they're gone
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
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Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?