Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dick very happy bro
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
