Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
