But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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