dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
