I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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