just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
