Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
