Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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