i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dicks are not precious.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
