....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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