And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
