you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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