I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
