uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
