smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
