I think I won the penis lottery.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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