Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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