"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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