Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
