I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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