Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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