so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
