Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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