I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
