I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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