I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
