why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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