so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
