Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
