Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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