I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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