remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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