im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
