I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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