did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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