I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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