if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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