Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
