The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't put those talents on a resume
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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