Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
