I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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