tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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