Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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