I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
