this beer tastes like vomit already
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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