Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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